The Struggle is Over!

This song blesses my soul every time I hear it!

Release the Brakes

I spent some time this past Saturday in a very productive and convicting conversation with a close friend and brother. He is the type of person who shoots for the stars in all that he does without hesitation and actually expects to reach them. He is currently going through an upward swing in his career and has been a great source of encouragement and motivation in my life. It goes back to one of the points I’ve stated in the past…”If you’re the most successful person in your circle, then it’s time to find more people to bring into your circle or better yet…get a new circle.”

One of the questions he posed to me that caught me off guard was a simple one “What are you waiting for?” On the surface this may seem like a very basic question, but to me it penetrated deep within my spirit because I received it as a God-inspired question communicated through a human vessel.

Upon regaining my composure I responded humbly “I don’t know!” It was at that moment I realized I have been doing great things, with great intentions, but continue to live life with my “brakes” engaged. “Brakes” serve as a tool of comfort that allows a person to slow down when they feel life is moving too quickly. There is something empowering about being able to control, monitor and guide life in a way that minimizes exposure to hurt, failure and/or rejection. The only problem is you stunt your potential growth, never position yourself to experience the greatness God wants you to have and cuts off the realm of faith we as believers are supposed to operate in. Too many people settle for mediocrity because they don’t want to “release the brakes” and expose themselves to potential failure.

After responding to my friend’s question I immediately recognized opportunities that would give me a chance to “release the brakes.” I’ve already stepped out and moved into new frontiers within the past couple of days. Will you join me? What are you waiting for? Aren’t you tired of mediocrity? Release the brakes!!!

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Are You Playing Your Position?

We are now in one of my favorite times of the year. The sports seasons are in high gear for pro football, pro basketball and college basketball. Since I am a sports enthusiast, this time of year provides a great outlet for me to deal with the rigors of everyday life and I smile in anticipation of the various upcoming games.

Those who know me understand my affinity toward the positions of quarterback (football) and point guard (basketball). These two positions are the keys to each of their respective sports and usually are the keys to carrying out the plans communicated by the coach. You rarely see a team succeed without a good quarterback or point guard.

Fortunately, each of us as believers has a key team in our lives to fill these positions. God, the Owner, has provided us with all of the necessary pieces to be successful in life. None of us will ever want for anything, and He has the resources to ensure this will remain the case for our lives. Jesus, the Coach, calls the plays for our teams and has the benefit of being able to make adjustments because He’s able to see everything that’s going on. The Holy Spirit, the Quarterback/Point Guard, is able to guide us through the daily flow of our lives. He is acutely aware of the blitzes and presses that seem to be forming in our lives and can easily guide us to safety.

Unfortunately, too many of us desire to play the position of owner, coach and quarterback/point guard. We refuse to let go of our power trip and want to control everything despite our inability and lack of qualifications. The detriment of this approach is we “take control of our lives” in the manner the world desires us to, but it positions us for ultimate failure because God is left out of the equation.

The question I leave you with today is “Are you playing your position?”

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God in Me

Some people ask how do I do what I do? Or how have I made it this far in life? Well the answer is simple…It’s the God in Me!

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Relationship Intangibles

It’s hard to believe, but even after you have acquired a Bachelors, Masters or PhD, there is still no guarantee that your relationships will be successful. Many of us have been misled into thinking that a college degree, money in the bank, corporate career and prestigious awards are the foundation of successful relationships. Living here in Atlanta has allowed me to witness the rise and fall of many relationships based on ‘tangible things’. With the success many women are now experiencing academically and in their careers, there is a sense of expectancy that many of them carry into personal relationships. Newsflash…the intangibles (aka little things) are what make for successful long-term relationships. Intangibles can include, but are not limited to the following: 1) caring, 2) gentleness, 3) selflessness, 4) peace, 5) patience, 6) steadfastness, etc. How many of you evaluate your potential lifemates based on the above intangible characteristics?

Men with money and women with beauty are easy to find because they come in abundance. Will they be there for you when you are down and out? Will they remain with you after being laid-off from a job? Will they console you when you experience sadness in your life? Will they remain patient with you as you go through your personal growing pains? These are the questions you need to be able to answer when evaluating a potential mate.

My buddy put it best a long time ago when he recommended that I only accept applications from ‘B-students’ when searching for my wife. You may be asking yourself what is a B-Student? Glad you asked. A B-student is the one who never received an abundance of attention while in school, but always did quality work on every assignment. They are the ones who didn’t receive the top academic awards, but will always be successful in everything they do. What does this mean to you?

For men, A-students are the beautiful women who receive an abundance of attention everywhere they go. Many of them are only sustained by their beauty and have no self-esteem outside of their beauty. Why do men say the pretty girls bring the most drama along with them? Men say this because ‘pretty girls’ are sustained by external accolades and not internal sustained sufficiency.

For women, A-students are the overachieving men who are sustained by accomplishments and public acknowledgment. They lack the sensitive character makeup needed to be successful fathers and good husbands. A-students are able to provide for you financially and can buy you some pretty awesome gifts, but in the end…many will disappoint you.

The real question that you need to ask yourself is this…

Would I be happy growing old with this person with no money, possessions or public acknowledgments?

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What Is Your True Relationship Value?

Everyday there are various magazine articles, blogs, radio and television programs dedicated to addressing the ‘epidemic’ of singleness in our society. We are entertained by a number of so-called ‘quality’ men and women who discuss their plights as to why each of them, as a quality candidate, still has the unlucky ‘I’m still single’ card. There are NEVER enough quality men to choose for women. There are ALWAYS too many ‘high potential’ women to sort through and make a commitment to for men.

As single listeners/viewers, we often place ourselves into their shoes wondering “Why am I still single?” We then begin thinking about the various things we perceive as qualities that should make ourselves attractive to the opposite sex. Unfortunately, too many of us have a higher self-appraisal of ourselves than what others are willing to view as true relationship value. Sort of like the homeowner who thinks their home is worth $400,000, when the true market value based on recent sales is really $300,000.

The question I pose to you today is “What is your true relationship value?”

How would you be rated in the following areas on a scale of 1-5? Rank the areas in order of importance for the person you would seriously consider as the husband/wife in your life. Meaning…what’s important for your mate to bring to the table?

1. Physical – What is your current physical status? Do you eat healthy? Physical attraction isn’t necessarily based on looks, but your ability to present yourself in a manner that accents you as an individual (i.e., via your attire, grooming, nails, etc.).
2. Professional – Are you where you desire to be professionally? If not, are you taking steps to achieve your goals? Or are you simply treading water working a JOB? Your professional life is something that should pursue and stabilize during your single season.
3. Financial – How are your financial management skills? Do you know how to balance a checkbook? How is your credit? Sound financial management isn’t based on how much you make, but your ability to properly manage what you do make. Finances are a major component to the health of marriages, so you need to be able to positively contribute in this area.
4. Social – Do you know how to have fun? Do people enjoy being around you? Or are you always negative? Can you enjoy the subtleties of life? Your social life helps bring enjoyment to healthy relationships.
5. Spiritual – Do you have a spiritual life? How important is it to you? Are you willing to compromise your beliefs for Mr./Mrs. Right? Your spiritual life is either seen as a major foundation or simply a nice to have in relationships.

Check your score:

25 – Try again…no one is perfect

21-24 – You are a great catch

16-20 – You are a good catch

11-15 – Needs improvement

6-10 – Destined for singleness

1-5 – Is a response really needed?

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Do Professional Women Face Dating Hurdles?

Dating for professional black women is one of the most interesting debates that we entertain in today’s social circles. In my opinion, I believe we have made the issue a lot larger than what it truly is because of the many books, movies and workplace discussions that deal with the subject. When truly evaluating the core issues at hand, the hurdles that professional black women have fishing in a relatively small dating pond are as follows:

1) Media Influence – The media has truly influenced the perspectives and self-views of many professional black women. When a message is conveyed over and over again, it often positions the recipients to begin embellishing the statements as truth. You hear messages regarding the issues professional black women face in dating via radio shows, blogs and magazines. This prompts the discussions between friends, co-workers and thus results in the perpetual mindsets that now exist. The reality is no matter if the statistics state that 42.7% of African-American women are unmarried, women have to realize that it only takes meeting ONE man to place them in the 57.3% category. However, if a negative mindset is embraced, then experiences usually follow.

2) Misconception of Men’s Views – There is a misconception that men are intimidated by the educational, professional and social statuses of successful black women. This is true when women are only exposed to groups of underconfident and immature men who lack motivation. If this seems to be the norm, then I recommend doing something different in order to get exposure to new circles of men. There are groups of men who desire to be men of integrity. There are men who desire to be married. There are men who embrace the professional and educational pursuits of black women. There are men who desire to love women unconditionally. The common misunderstanding of black men is “black men are intimidated by successful black women.” The success isn’t what disconnects men and women it’s the perceived attitude that is associated with the professional success and education. If two people make each other feel valued, then the relationship will work despite an educational or professional gap. Genuine love bridges the widest of gaps and eases the deepest of insecurities.

3) Misunderstanding of “Value” – Somewhere along the line of time our society lost the things that should be viewed and embraced as “valuable” in relationships. Say what you want, our grandparents were able to build long-lasting relationships not based on money, but on love and sacrifice. By having one another’s back through thick in thin. By understanding that sacrifice will get you further than a master’s degree, home or diversified financial portfolio. When you need someone to hug, to vent to or sacrifice during your time of need, a person’s net worth is irrelevant. Don’t get me wrong, it is important to have goals and pursue them, but not at the expense of losing a grip on what keeps relationships anchored.

Professional black women may encounter greater distractions in Atlanta than other cities, but this can be attributed to the social competition and materialism that exists. Smaller cities don’t typically have the same level of competition and thus a different relationship mindset exists.

Professional black women in Atlanta do face hurdles when dating, but much of it lies in the distance between their ears. A renewed mindset, confidence and an understanding of what is truly valued in relationships can make all the difference in dating and relationship experiences.

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Don’t Get Mad…by Kimberly Bradford

Remember when you went to the doctor and right before they stuck the needle in your arm the nurse said, “You’re going to feel a little pinch”? Well get ready because this is about to sting a whole helluva lot!

Alright, so I guess this is what it took for me to get to typing… I just watched Nightline’s Why Successful Black Women Aren’t Married and I’m in an uproar.

When I first heard about this event I must admit I was hyped and I wanted to go but as the week went on, something inside said “maybe this isn’t for you.” I actually went to the venue and was going to meet up with a friend who was on the guest list but our signals were crossed and I ended up leaving instead of waiting around watching the line wrapped around the building move slowly. After the taping, I spoke with my friend and we talked about the night’s discussion and some of the key points that were highlighted in the Nightline broadcast. During our conversation it occurred to me that I was right about this topic not being something I agree with.

You know I love a good party but I absolutely refuse to accept, attend or host one of these asinine pity parties that they want to throw for Black women. I need to talk to my girls right now… Seriously ladies, some of ya’ll need to quit with all this talk about a man being “intimidated” by you and having these ridiculous laundry lists of must have’s that you conveniently throw up in a man’s face while screaming “I’M INDEPENDENT.”

Before any of you come back at me and say I’m placing the blame solely on the women hear me out. Music and these over-the-top television shows about being a housewife, which ironically don’t contain any actual housewives, have warped the mindset of so many women both young and old. How can you complain about being single when you’re wearing the term “independent” like it’s a badge of honor? Honey child listen, if you are single and you’re paying your bills, buying your own car/house and taking care of your essential needs you aren’t independent, you’re a woman who’s doing what she’s SUPPOSED to do. You don’t get a medal for doing that! Stop tripping! You think because you show up to work everyday that that qualifies you as a stellar employee? Girl please, you’re supposed to show up to work if you want a paycheck! Somewhere along the way women have forgotten how to be the beautiful creatures we were created to be. Many have turned into bitter, venom spitting vipers that look like they’ll bite off the head of a man if he even thinks about speaking to them. On the flip side, you scream independent but you want a man to take you to the mall and buy out the store. You won’t date a man who works in the factory assembling Mercedes because you want the man who drives one. Who needs a pimp when so many women pimp themselves very easily? Come on, get a grip.

We are so much better than what is being put out there ladies. If you truly desire to be in a successful relationship/marriage then I pray that God blesses you with your desires but it’s going to take some action on your part. Stop worrying about statistics, stop pointing the finger at men and take a look in the mirror. Could it be you’re single because of…You?

Do you even know who YOU are? Do you know what YOU want out of life? How can you expect a man to meet your standards when you haven’t even set or met any yourself?
Chuck D. and Public Enemy said it best, Don’t Believe the Hype!

–Kimberly Bradford

Which Man Are You? – Part 2

Thanks for joining me for part 2 of ‘Which Man Are You?’ As promised, I will conclude the categorical analysis I posted yesterday. To recap, we previously took a look at Mr. ‘Insecure,’ Mr. ‘Good Guy,’ Mr. ‘Bag Man’ and Mr. ‘Superficial’. For additional information on the aforementioned groups, please refer to my previous post.

As with the previous descriptions, men may fall into one or more of these categories and transition in and out based on various seasons in their lives. To be honest, I have found myself as Mr. ‘Insecure’, Mr. ‘Good Guy’ and Mr. ‘Bag Man’ at various points in my life. However, my relationship with God has given me the courage to acknowledge and address my shortcomings.

Without further delay, let’s look at the final four categories:

5. Mr. ‘Wolf in Sheep Clothing’ – I don’t want to give too much airtime to this group of individuals because it sickens me to think that this group exists in very large numbers. This individual presents himself as one of pure motives and exudes the confidence and interest that most women desire. However, upon further review, exploration and after a period of time, the truth about a wife or other lie finally comes to the surface. Why do you hide significant details about your relational status and life when you know that someone is going to get hurt in the end? Is it the thrill of adventure? Is it the desire to continuously upgrade? Remember that everything done in the dark eventually comes to light. If you struggle in this area, pray to God to establish order and commitment in your life. Families and relationships are being destroyed everyday and we need honesty and commitment to reappear as cornerstones in relationships.

6. Mr. ‘Fear of Commitment’ – Most men today find themselves in this category during the explorative phase in their lives. This individual gets enjoyment by being connected to women, but not being committed to them. I was one of the best at leading women down the ambiguous path of a relationship in search of something that would probably never appear. This individual finds fulfillment in building a ‘perfect’ woman through qualities of several different women in his life. It is an awesome fantasy to take bits and pieces of each person, and utilize the pieces to build what you view as a ‘perfect’ mate. The detriment to this approach is that you cater to a mentality that promotes perfection when individual perfection does not exist. In the process of creating mental perfection, you destroy the reality of what makes up our humanity. You typically find yourself in long drawn-out relationships that never make it past the boyfriend/girlfriend phase. You find yourself continuing to go out partying and being a social butterfly even though you have a ‘girlfriend’. You get really agitated and upset whenever the subject of relational permanency is initiated by your ‘girlfriend.’ In the end, Mr. ‘Fear of Commitment’ loves being associated with relationships, but you can never make-up your mind.

7. Mr. ‘Overconfident’ – If you specialize in telling others about yourself, then this is your category. Ever since you were born the world revolved around you. You got it going on, have the nice-paying corporate job or own your own successful business and have your pick of any woman (according to your own perception). Unfortunately, you never get a chance to acknowledge the value others can add to your life because you are only concerned about yourself and what others can do for you. There is nothing wrong with having a general level of overall confidence, but the problem occurs when you exceed the accepted level. You operate with sort of a barterer’s mentality, flashing material items and connections for the sole purpose of impressing and receiving from others. The unique thing about being Mr. ‘Overconfident’ is you probably don’t recognize it! Women are speaking negatively behind your back to others and you have no idea this opinion exists about you. If you have a hunch that this might be you, please consult a close female friend who will offer an unbiased response to your question. The good thing about being Mr. ‘Overconfident’ is that you only have to tone down your self-promotion a notch in order to cross back over to an attractive level of confidence.

8. Mr. ‘Good Catch’ – This is the man most women dream about, but have so much trouble recognizing because of the other men who co-exist. You are the one created by God and you are connected through a relationship with Him. You possess an unquenchable fire and passion to progress in life. Remaining stagnant in life is NOT an option. You continue the chivalrous gestures that once upon a time defined a true man. You set yourself apart with your patience and respect for women and others you come across. Your professions vary, but you are willing to work in order to provide for your family. You may be an attorney, a doctor, a salesman, teacher or truck driver. What matters most is that you understand your TRUE responsibility as a priest, provider, protector, comforter and/or father (if desired). Not only do you understand your responsibility, you VALUE this responsibility with open arms. Sisters dream about and yearn for your powerful presence and authoritative nature. You recognize your individual shortcomings and are willing to address them without shame. You are not afraid to express emotions when things have you down. REAL MEN DO CRY!

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Which Man Are You? – Part 1

Welcome to part 1 of ‘Which Man Are You?’ I have given the same amount of thought and consideration as I did when doing the categorical analysis for women. It is very important to understand the types of men that exist, so you can identify which category or categories you can most relate to. Many men often talk about the depth of issues our African-American women possess and how they impact our relationships. To be honest I am also one who contributed to this interactive male dialog without giving respect to the entire picture of duality in relationships. Generally speaking, the issues we possess may not seem as deep as those of women on the surface, but our issues appear in so many shapes, sizes and forms that I can now understand why women have a difficult time figuring us out. In football, the defense is often disguised and presented in inconspicuous manners in order to confuse the offense and more specifically the quarterback. Defenses change formations trying to hide whether they intend to blitz the quarterback or if they plan on playing zone coverage to protect territory. Well similarly, the way we present ourselves to women can serve as a disguise masking what our true intent or purpose is. Some of us approach women with an outward appearance of desiring a serious relationship. However, the outward appearance is a mask to the true desire of only wanting to have sex with them. In the end it leaves our sisters isolated, frustrated and confused. More importantly, someone has to deal with the result of our negligence.

Unfortunately, I was unable to condense the number of categories into manageable number that could be dealt with in one post. As a result, I have opted to do a two part series so the information can be digested easily. In thinking through the categories, I bounced thoughts off of both men and women to ensure that my perspective was not totally out of line with reality.

Without further adieu, let’s take a look at the first four categories that most men fall into. Please note that Mr. ‘Boy Toy’ (aka…the bootycall guy), Mr. ‘Socially Awkward’ (aka…the clumsy guy) and Mr. ‘Homosexual’ (aka…the one uninterested in women) have been excluded from this list because they are not viable candidates for relationships.

1. Mr. ‘Insecure’ – Contrary to popular belief, many of us possess characteristics that allow us to be associated with this category. Depending on who you are, it may be difficult to identify the extent to which you suffer from insecurity. Because of the negative perception of insecurity, we often try to only associate insecurity to individuals who are stalkers, those who pop-up unannounced, or those who have obsessive control issues. These are the extreme cases! However, insecurity in its more subtle form makes you ask questions like ‘Where are you going?’, ‘Who are you going with?’, ‘Why did you stay out so late?’, or ‘Why did you not call and check-in?’ Now these questions in their innocence are not bad questions, but when we ask them with an underlying insecure feeling in our hearts, then it demonstrates an insecurity issue. Let me be honest, we all fluctuate in and out of this category at various points in our lives. If you are unsure of your current status, then ponder the following questions: How would respond if your girlfriend or fiancée told you that she had lunch or dinner with a friend she used to date? How would you respond if you notice your girlfriend or fiancée having a friendly conversation with a co-worker that seems a little more in depth than just ‘normal’ conversation? What is your feeling when someone you are dating says she is going out with her friends? If these questions make you uneasy, then you probably suffer from a case of insecurity.

The signs of insecurity are individuals who display outward outbursts of abuse, excessive desire to control women and intimidation when women make more, have more or seem more successful than you. Also remember that the ‘little’ signs (hidden jealousy and inquisitive questioning) of insecurity are also detrimental to relationships. Placing full trust in the Lord, increasing self-confidence and opening-up the lines of communication are the best ways to overcome the vice of insecurity.

2. Mr. ‘Good Guy’ – I feel for those of you who fit into this group of individuals. Not because there is anything wrong with being a ‘good guy’, but because I used to be a part of this group and remember the frustrations. I clearly remember the day my high school sweetheart ‘broke-up’ with me because I never did anything wrong in her eyes as it related to our relationship. That one experience scarred me emotionally and it took considerable time for me to NOT intentionally provoke wrong-doing in my relationships . It also contributed to my belief that all women like men that have some sort of ‘bad boy’ in their character (my view has since changed).

If you ask most women about men who fit into this category, you will find that most have nothing negative to say about them. If you continue looking underneath the surface, men who get the label of ‘good guy’ find it difficult to maintain serious long-term relationships. The real source of relationship issues for Mr. ‘Good Guy’ stem from the fact that women do not view them as strong leaders who they trust turning over the household to. They make decisions from the perspective of making people around them happy and not based on what is best for their relationships. They allow the requests of family, job and/or friends to override the needs of themselves and/or their relationships. They will typically do things that make other people happy, but inconvenience themselves in the process. Is this you?

If you fit into this category, then there is hope for you. Become more assertive in your decision-making and refrain from the desire of trying to make everyone around you ‘happy’. It will sometimes require you putting your foot down and making decisions that disappoint people. However, women love men who are able to make firm decisions and stand by them.

3. Mr. ‘Bag Man’ – I could cut and paste my entire entry from the ‘Are you the one?’ entry, but that would be too easy and trifling on my part. Mr. ‘Bag Man’ can be best defined as the individual who brings luggage into a relationship with no tag identifying what’s included in the bags. You are considered Mr. ‘Bag Man’ if you bring a child or children into a situation while having no intent on being a father or accountable to them. We all have made bad decisions in our lives and no one is exempt from the healing power of Jesus Christ. However, women deserve to know who you really are and have the right to make an informed decision whether to let you into their lives. They DO deserve to know if you have children and how many. They DO deserve to know if you are currently involved with someone else and to what extent. A major complaint from women is that men withhold key personal information about themselves with the intent of disclosing it at a later time. Here is a newsflash, if you have children, if you have a girlfriend or if you are in the middle of a divorce, then it’s relevant to disclose this information upfront. Life events are points of interest that should be disclosed early because they are concealed grenades capable of blowing-up relationships.

Many of us don’t acknowledge that we are also ‘Bag Men’ until we suffer a string of failed relationships. After further inspection, we see that our relationships are failing because we import past relationship hurts into our new relationships. When men encounter hurt, it is something that we carry along with us for an extended time because we have been conditioned to suppress our feelings and emotions. The direct result of this can be manifested in various forms inclusive of displaying a dawg’s mentality, or displaying poor communication skills. Show me a dawg (defined as man who takes advantage of and/or hurts women), and I’ll show you a link to a past hurtful relationship still hidden in his heart. Show me a man who hides his feelings and emotions, and I’ll show you someone who has opened-up in the past only to be emotionally hurt by a woman.

There is hope if you fall into this category. The first step is to ask God to step into your life and take control, the second step is to forgive yourself for feeling victimized, and the third step is to forgive those who have hurt you in the past. I have undergone this process and it’s extremely therapeutic. You will continue struggling with relationships unless you yield to yourself and turn control over to God. He forgave you despite your disobedience and transgressions toward Him. Because of the love He showed, you have an obligation to forgive others…no matter how much they hurt you.

4. Mr. ‘Superficial’ – Atlanta is probably in the top 3 cities that have a large population of Mr. ‘Superficials.’ I think many of us have gotten caught-up in the whole superficial phenomenon spurred on by television and society. Men have been conditioned to believe beauty is defined by the individuals spotlighted in the latest P. Diddy or R. Kelly video. As a result, men are now on the prowl for the next gorgeous woman he can put on his arm in order to receive external praise and affirmation from his peers. It took me a while, but I figured out that it takes more than beauty and sex to make a relationship worthwhile. I have had my share of beautiful women. I have had my share of ‘good sex’. I have had my share of women with corporate resumes people would kill for. However, at the end of the day, it takes much more than beauty and sex to make a successful relationship. Mr. and Mrs. ‘Superficial’ contribute highly to the divorce rate that our community is currently experiencing. I remember my mom emphatically telling me, “Don’t be blinded by the package things come in! Pretty packages sometimes contain nothing of substance on the inside.” If beauty and success are the chief cornerstones of successful relationships, then why do Hollywood celebrities, athletes and entertainers have trouble with marriages? You have to be open to women of all backgrounds because you never know what package God has created to provide a perfect relationship for your life.

Beauty and career achievements are great for resumes and social acknowledgements, but unconditional LOVE supersedes all. Don’t allow yourself to get caught-up on things of limited importance. Pay close attention to God and a person’s character. When unconditional love is added to the mix, you have the ingredients for a successful relationship.

Check back for part two of ‘Which Man Are You?’ Also, please subscribe to my blog to receive notification when future entries are posted.

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**All of my new blogs will be posted via http://www.kennypugh.com. Please visit http://www.kennypugh.com to receive my blog updates**